Am I an Adult Yet? Thoughts on my 35th Birthday

I woke up smiling, alone in my apartment in Seoul on the morning of my 35th birthday. A birthday always seems like a time to reflect on where you are and think about where you want to be. I was happy. Another year where I did what I wanted. Followed my heart. And I found myself here in Seoul, in my studio apartment on the 6th floor, celebrating another birthday abroad. Sun shining, feeling the cool sheets against my body, comfortable. Not only physically comfortable, but mentally, spiritually and emotionally comfortable.

It's a little strange being 35. It sounds older than I feel. Which is something I always hear old people say. I don’t usually feel old, and I don’t think I am old in the larger scope of things. But right now, I work with all 20-somethings, like early/mid 20-somethings, and it is a weird mixture of feelings when age comes up. Knowing my birthday was this weekend, a few co-workers asked how old I was, and I fucking blew their minds when I told them. Which is actually a pretty typical response. So that makes me feel good. Some people give me props for living life, experiencing all I can. So that feels good too. But it is hard to escape the feeling that I’m old, that I’m trying to live a life of a younger person, that I don’t want to “grow up.”

What is an Adult?

So, it got me thinking, what makes someone grown up, what count as an adult? Is it some agreed upon age, like 18 or 21, where you are recognized by the powers-that-be to participate in grown up activities like voting, drinking, or joining the army? While turning 18 or 21 definitely shows that you’re not a child anymore, it doesn’t quite mean you’re an adult. A lot of people spend years after their 21^st birthday somewhere in-between. So that’s not it.

Is it some socially agreed upon life event, like getting married, buying a house, or having a kid? That kind of makes sense. These things add a lot of responsibility, which can be considered acceptable criteria for being an adult. I look at my friends who have done these things and I consider (most of) them adults. Their actions and decisions can have major consequences for themselves and others. That’s pretty adult-y. But there are also people who’ve done these things when they maybe shouldn’t have, when they weren’t ready. It’s a kind of superficial adulting, putting on that front, but deep down, they’re not quite a card-carrying adult yet. And some people, quite possibly me, will never decide to participate in these kinds of events, does that mean all these people will never be adults? So these big life events don’t necessarily equate to being an adult either.

That brings me to my guess - mentality. Is being an adult just a mentality, the way you carry yourself, the way you act or think. Is being an adult really this subjective? I’m beginning to think it is. It’s knowing who you are, what you want, and not allowing outside forces to influence those things; it’s being authentically, deeply comfortable and confident in your own skin.  Being an adult is intangible, you can’t buy it, you can’t show it off to other people. You live it.

Journey to Adulthood

We all have so much coming at us, directly and indirectly, telling us what we should look like, how we should act, what we should think, how we should live. Sometimes these demands or expectations align with our internal ones, but sometimes they don’t, and our personal needs can get overshadowed, diluted, or silenced altogether. Recognizing and figuring out how to separate the internal from the external is the journey to adulthood. When you can separate your true needs and desires from what’s coming at you from the outside, you have a truer sense of yourself. Once you start living for you, for your needs, without hearing or caring about all the other bullshit, you develop true, deep inner confidence. That is what makes someone “grown up.” You’re no longer on the journey to adulthood, you are an adult. Your own unique version of an adult.

I’ve come into adulthood in the past few years I think. I’ve figured out my true needs, hopes and expectations, and was able to distinguish that from the needs, hopes and expectations that came at me from the outside. I need to travel, I need to experience, I need to meet different people, learn constantly, move, see, explore. I don’t want to settle down, I don’t want continuity, stability. I don’t want to get married, have kids, work a 9-5. I don’t need success, as it is often conventionally defined. That’s what works for me. And it is so different from what I’ve seen in my life. So different from what I just assumed my life would be when I was growing up. So different from a lot of people I know. But this is my unique version of an adult. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.