Six Days in Crimea with 10 Ukrainian Teachers

I had been at my new school serving as a Peace Corps volunteer in Ukraine for a week before I was invited to go to Crimea with 10 teachers, their spouses, the Principal and some randoms. So off we went.

Over the course of that trip:

I swam in the Black Sea

I discovered the Magnificence of Ukrainian Picnics

At 7am, after a 12 hour, overnight van ride, still wiping the sleepers from our eyes, still adjusting to the sunlight, we pull over to the side of the road to set up a picnic.

Now you haven’t had a picnic until you’ve had a Ukrainian picnic- a whole chicken, 3 loaves of bread, salami, cheese, 2 whole fish, some mystery, home-jarred meat, cucumbers, tomatoes, hard-boiled eggs, Salo (you non-Ukrainians luckily don’t know what it is, it’s not in the States because, well, I don’t think it would be an approved product for sale- its straight up pig fat, pure, white, slimy, square chunks of pig fat! And they eat it like candy) and vodka. At 7am, “to the trip!, Будемо!” All 15 of us including the babushka, mother of 3, teacher, social worker, school director, take a shot.

If Ukraine can do one thing it is picnicking. These women are like the McGivers of picnics, give them a toothpick, a knife and some salt and they will have you feasting in no time.

I listened to a lot of American Pop Music

We sat around a camp fire eating and toasting while listening to Justin Bieber, Ace of Base, Kelis’ “Milkshake” and other American classics. It is hard to take a toast of thanks and appreciation seriously when I hear “Who Let the Dogs Out?” in the background. And they have no idea who these people are or what they are saying.

I was given my Ukrainian name- Ценя (Tsenya)

One of the teacher's husbands was in the Navy and he got us a tour of a Naval Ship docked in Crimea. Crimea is a major naval port. (That's the reason Russia recently  violently invaded and continues to occupy the peninsula).

I was instructed not to speak or I would be considered a spy.

I was given my Ukrainian name in case any of my group had to get my attention, they couldn't use my American name. No Americans allowed! I don't think they were fucking with me, because the people on the ship with their semi automatic guns looked very serious. I could have gotten in some serious trouble if they found out. I was a little nervous, but it was a great experience to see that naval ship. I guess I pass as Ukrainian.

I sang the Star Spangled Banner on the Bus

The group of Ukrainians had finished singing about 37 traditional Ukrainian songs and asked me to sing some traditional American songs. I could only think of one, and I belted it out solo on the bus surrounded by curious Ukrainians.

I was the only one in a 1-piece bathing suit

Imagine your grandma in a bikini sunbathing on the beach... welcome to Ukraine! I was wearing a 1-piece and one of the teachers asked, “are you hot?” and another “why don’t you put on your bathing suit?” It’s a sure sign you’re a foreigner if you have a 1-piece.

I learned how to camp, Ukrainian style

The best, cheapest way to travel in Ukraine is to drive around until you find a plot of land, pitch a tent, make a fire, eat, drink, sleep, pack all your stuff up and be out by morning. 100% free!

I was surprised by how in shape they were

We went on a hike down 787 steep steps to a gorgeous beach and then back up. Some of the men, who smoke 2-3 packs a day, made it up there before me. The babushka and my director who are both in their 60’s weren’t far behind either.

I learned I was close to death

I was taught, by who I can assume is a true Ukrainian medical professional, that all my ailments - headache, stomachache, pimples, split ends, ingrown toenail etc., are all a result of me not eating meat. I will die early and my bones will evaporate into dust. This coming from a man who smokes 3 packs a day and drinks vodka like water.

Food doesn't spoil

I came to the conclusion that nothing spoils here in Ukraine. They feasted on chicken, raw fish, Salo, eggs, cheese after it had been sitting up to 4 days in a hot van. Their stomach lining is made of pure titanium!

I thought I was in Russia

Along the way, I thought we took a wrong turn and ended up in Russia. There were propaganda posters everywhere with the new, pro-Russian President, Yanukovych and the Russian president. Propaganda for Yanukovych was everywhere. They only speak Russian in Crimea and do not respond to Ukrainian.

I fell even more in love with California

This trip solidified the idea I already held that we Californians are unbelievably spoiled. These places were beautiful, but honestly, I can name 10 places in California that are more beautiful. California would blow these people’s minds. From Monterey to the Redwoods, to Santa Monica and Santa Barbara, Lake Tahoe to the Napa Valley. Spoiled.

I realized this is just the beginning

I got to school after coming home at 6 a.m. and after being on the road for the last 12 hours, was exhausted. Another teacher says there is a group of students leaving tomorrow to the Carpathian Mountains for 7 days if I wanted to go…